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Tiger Skulls and Champagne Flutes: Marcum’s First Pedicure


The other day,


I got my first pedicure. My friend Sabrina recommended it several times and I even had the testimonial from one of our mutual homies Larry who was like “Bro, you’ve gotta go get a pedicure, it’s life changing!” .

It started when I decided to order some Birkenstocks for the summer because let’s face it, 95 and 100° are too hot for regular shoes. At first I thought I was okay just leaving things as is, but when sparks started shooting out from the friction of me sliding into the sandals I took it as a sign.


Sabrina was my liaison for my first time and eased some of the anxiety from the judgement that was going to ensue. The place was fancy with chandeliers, massage chairs and a bar. We were greeted by the hostess. She glanced at my wilderness feet and slyly hit a secret button similar to a bank teller when there is a robbery happening. This wasn’t to alert the police though. It alerted the most experienced technician, who apparently is not to be bothered unless level 5 or above feet walk in. She was the Kareem Abdul Jabar of pedicure professionals except she was Vietnamese so she was only 5ft tall.

The water that my feet marinated in was sprinkled with rose petals and slices of lemon. A little vinegar and salt and we could’ve brined a Turkey and smoked it, but I digress, my feet sat in that Prince of Zamunda water until they were tender and ready for demolition


There were mimosas!!!!


As cool as that was, my hands are way too big for champagne flutes. Just gone head and give me a medieval gobblet or tiger skull cause that’s the only thing that makes since with these STBs (Spade Table Bangers)


My least favorite part was the copious amounts of dead skin that came off. Whatever she seasoned my shins, calves , and feet with was doing its job. She handled my feet with the same amount of love and care I do when I’m seasoning ribs and chicken for the grill. She had to duck a few times when clipping my nails, but like I said, she was experienced. The water looked like gumbo after I took my feet out.


I had to hold my mule during the foot massage. Letting out an Elmo giggle wasn’t going to make things better


10 out of 10 would recommend fellas.


If you’re in the Columbia, SC area and are looking for your first pedicure experience grab an emotional support human and head to


Ombre Nails



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